You feel stuck, like you can't possibly move on. You feel as if you will never reach the surface and breathe again. You feel life is doomed, there is no way out. You feel like you can't possibly have a future because your past has a tight grip on you. What if you could though? What if you did some hard work on yourself to get to a point in which you felt good. In which you felt strong and confident and are able to handle and do things you never imagined? Are you ready to live your life the way you are intended too? Where do you start you ask? Right here, I'm going to share another 3 part series on some work I have been doing in hopes that some of you who feel this way may be able to work on yourselves and get to a better point. Up first we have addressing the past. 

In the last post about writing for the third part we look at the future. I know this may be a struggle for many people, I use to be one of those people who had a hard time with the future. The future meant having goals, dreams, aspirations, it meant making plans and taking steps to achieve what I wanted in life. That can seem daunting and scary at a time like this and again, completely normal and healthy reactions to what is going on. I still encourage you to think about a few small things if thats all you can do, just think of one thing you are looking forward to when this is all over. 

Part two in the writing through grief series we are going to be writing about what we are thankful for. I want to point out, this may be tough. When I was going through all my trauma, plenty of people liked to point out things I should be grateful for and though I knew very well what those things were and that I was indeed grateful for them, I felt like they were downplaying my trauma. You can be thankful and grieve at the same time, when you are in the midst of a hard moment, it's okay not to sit and think of things to be grateful for. Some people find it helpful but some people aren't able to comprehend in the moment and that is okay. You will get there when you are ready. 

One important step while going through trauma is labeling. I don't mean labeling yourself but more so label the world around you. Label the things you miss, the things you wish for, the things you look forward to, label them as a part of the healing process. Empty what is floating around in your head and get it out on a piece of paper. 

What a crazy time we are living in right now. Did you know that this moment we are in will be in history books world wide at some point. How insane is that? How are you holding up? How am I holding up? Honestly, this to me is just another day. 

It's been quiet over here at Buzzing With Bee and Me due to Bee and I buzzing around living life. This year was the first year I made a vision board. It was the first year I actually took all my hopes and dreams for the year and put them on something concrete. I spent days cutting out pictures and words from magazines and when I couldn't find what I was looking for, I wrote it in myself. This year I made the decision to invest, it's my chosen word for the year. It's the word at the top of my vision board. 

One day you will just know, you will know your time has come. You will know your year has come. You will know you life is about to begin. You will know the weight and the burden has been lifted off. You will be able to breathe again, smile again, laugh again. Life will just simply start. 

Some writers hit a plateau in their writing, it's me, I'm that writer. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, I've sat down many times with my keys on the board but nothing comes out. It's strange because I have learned so much over the past few months that I feel I have so much to share, but at the same time I'm so protective of what I share. I've always been open, I'm not one to shy away from taboo subjects but lately, I've been so focused on self care that I can't just put words on the paper. 

One month since my fingers have hit the keyboard to type. One month in which I have gained 1000 things to write about. One month that I gave myself the time. One month that I stepped away from it all, a difficult decision but the best decision. 

Society seems to have forgotten what Christmas is really about. It has become so materialistic and toxic that many people dread Christmas. I dreaded Christmas for years after Ty and Jacob died, I hated Christmas, I loathed Christmas. Once Bee was a bit older and appreciated or knew about Christmas, I started to find my love for it again but in a much different way. 

It's been quiet over here, so quiet that you can hear the crickets chirping. Actually, crickets chirping is one of my favourite summer time sounds. For my mental health, I made a promise to myself last month to take a step back. I've taken great leaps forwards this year and felt I needed to take a step back to rejuvenate my soul. 

This week I bought $50 worth of ice cream, how is your week going?

Have you ever hit a point where you have realized that if you continue living the way you do, you may not last long? Have you hit or have been close to your breaking point? It's not a great place to be. Everything seems dark, life seems hopeless, you struggle to live each day and get through the basics of life. You know in your mind that something needs to be done but you don't have the energy. I've been at that point before, years ago. I've been there so I know my warning sign that I'm headed back down that road and this week I've been able to catch myself before it goes that far again. 

Through all my years of counselling and therapy, one (of many) thing has stuck. Shortly after Ty died I was told to find one thing a day for me. This thing could take as little as 5 minutes up to a full hour but whatever it was, it was to be done for me, One thing I could do for myself every single day. 

Triggers, we are often told to figure out our triggers so we can avoid them and soften the blow they may have on us. Sometimes we can't avoid triggers and need to learn how to cope when they show up. Sometimes we can't identify triggers and are taken back when they show up suddenly. Sometimes simple words can be triggers, as I recently found out. 

Sitting with upsetting emotions is never comfortable. It forces you to sit and dwell on that uncomfortableness. It makes you think and feel and no one ever really likes to do that. It's not a great feeling, but sometimes sitting with emotions helps you acknowledge, understand and face them on the way to healing.

Bubbling up from the depths of my soul, pouring out of my eyes, running down my cheek and onto my shoulders. The tears of emdr flow freely. The tears that are like no other. They are the purest form of emotion. 

It isn't always easy, this thing we call life. Many of us struggle through, some more than others. Struggling can look different from person to person but most you meet in life are facing a challenge they are struggling with. Reflecting on struggles the past week, I've come to accept that not all struggles are bad. 

It should come as no surprise that this time of year is the hardest for me. All of my trauma has existed in Fall and though I have been trying, it's hit this week. The weight of the world feels so heavy on my shoulders. I have felt sad, truly and deeply sad this week. Perhaps its the season, perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's my body reminding me, I don't know what it is but it has hit hard this week. 

Boundaries are an important part of life yet so many struggle to set them. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, facing someones boundaries can be just as uncomfortable. We struggle to set boundaries because most don't like confrontation and want to please everyone. The thing is, we can't please everyone so we need to please ourselves first (I, to this day, have a sticker that says that and find it a good reminder). Take care of you and the rest will follow, sure, but what if you get anxious to set boundaries because you don't want to face backlash? 

With divorce comes loss. The act of divorce within itself is a loss. A tremendous loss felt on a deep level. With it comes loss of a plethora of various pieces of your life, one of those being traditions. It's not often talked about, people tend to shy away from talking about the hard subjects. For fear of embarrassment maybe, perhaps because it is too emotionally hard to discuss, but we all feel it, we all acknowledge the changes as difficult as they may be. The loss of traditions is one most don't hear of because it's hard to place words to that loss. 

Throughout life's challenges people often make statements with good intention but many fall short or diminish the challenges we are going through. One term I have heard time and time again throughout all my trauma is "it will get easier". 

"EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes." -EMDR Institute 

This was not how it was suppose to be. This was not a part of the dream, goal or hope. This was not what life was envisioned as. But here we are, more specifically here I am. I've been given the chance to start over. I've been given the chance to wipe the slate clean and remake my life. How or where do I even begin? Friendship.