2020, a year like no other.......but technically for me, a year in which my trauma has significantly prepared me for. When you've been through the ringer before, more than once at that too, you get really good a figuring things out and how to live on.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It comes into your life like a wrecking ball. It destroys all that you knew, who you were and life. Whether you loss was at 6 weeks or 6 months, whether it was your first or your fifth, whether it was planned or not, whether you have had one loss or multiple. Each and everyone destroys you time and time again. Each one takes a toll on your life more than you could ever imagine. Only those walking in similar shoes know the pain.
There is so much happening in the world right now, be thankful you live where you live. There is so much happening in the world now, be thankful you have what you have. There is so much happening in the world, be thankful you don't fear bombs, guns, civil distress, fires, hurricanes, landslides, tsunamis. You're lucky you grief is only minimal. You couldn't have loved a baby when you were only 6 weeks pregnant.
My first baby died. My second baby died. My third baby was born and is now a healthy 7 year old. My fourth baby died. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. In fact, October is becoming the month to remember children gone too soon. I'll never forget finding out Ty's birthday was the day to remember children gone to soon. It was like an extra hard punch in the gut. I was envious for years because he didn't get his own day to be remembered. He was grouped together with all the children. Jacob had his own day. Baby unknown had their own day but Ty didn't get his own. His name melted in with the others being remembered.. October is a month of remembering.
September 5th has come and gone once again. A yearly date that takes me back to the moment that changed my life for a second time. The death of my second son Jacob. You know what I did to remember him this year? Nothing. You know how I felt about that decision? Perfectly fine. Sometimes in life traditions end so I'm writing this blog to all those who have stopped celebrations that remember their children gone too soon.
October 1st marks the beginning of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Along with it came the above picture. My heart breaks for Chrissy Teigen and her family. Never has a picture spoken so deeply to me. Never have I felt a picture so intensely. Those tears, the heartache, the heartbreak, the life changing moment, the empty womb, the grief, the socks, the hospital gown, the sterile and quiet environment, the only sound being the sobs of the mother, leaving the hospital without a baby, figuring out how to live on, all of it. This picture describes it all. A pain so deep, those who have not experienced can never even imagine. My heart drips tears and feels this picture on a level so profound.
Let go, all you need to do is let go, you could move on and feel better if you let go....blah blah blah. Sorry but I'm tired of hearing this statement when it comes to grief. I get the point, I need to let go of the past to move into the future. The thing is, I have no fucking idea how to, that's the issue. Telling me to let go is not helping, perhaps offering some suggestions on how to let go would be more helpful.
Self-care is critical for every person to incorporate into their lives, especially moms. In order to give the most of yourself, you have to pour from a full cup because if you aren't and your cup is empty, well, you become a Sanderson Sister (which in all honestly, I love those ladies so it wouldn't be horrible) but you can't pour from an empty cup and the only way to fill it is with some self-care. Or is it.....is there another component that we don't hear of often? What about self-love?
A year unlike any other. A year in which we found ourselves with more time on our hands than we are use to. There were moments, lots of moments, when we drove each other up the wall. We had to find something productive to do together and I needed to continue to teach Bee is a fun way, that's when Unicorn and Cat Co. was born.
Focusing on oneself is hard for a lot of people. It tends to make them uncomfortable, they don't want to face their weaknesses but in order to create a healthy livable future, you have to be open to self improvement. No matter what background you came from, what traumatic events you experience that were by no means your fault, you still have to be open to improve. If you want to grow and evolve into an even more magical being, it starts with self-improvement.
Preface: We are all okay, crisis was averted.
Anxiety often brings many worries, fears and heart palpitations. Sometimes anxiety can bring logical fears (car accidents, fires, people dying etc) and other times they can seem unlogical to a non-anxious mind (cats, planes, thunderstorms etc). Sometimes either fears can bring intense anxiety causing an individual to be more "careful" with certain things in life. I say "careful" with quotations because non-anxious people criticize those fears and often make fun of them stating people are crazy or too cautious. The thing with anxiety is, thats how we live. We do tend to be more cautious, for me personally I do tend to be more cautious but I've also been on the backend of tragedy, more than once. I know life is not all lollipops and gumdrops, it can be mountains of shit. One of my biggest fears (besides Bee dying) is my house burning down. This week it almost happened.
Boundaries: : something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. Something, we as a society struggle to create for ourselves. Many people will often wear themselves thin or accept certain behaviours because they are unaware of how to set boundaries or don't feel they have the strength to stick to them. Boundaries are incredibly important, healthy and normal to set in your life. Boundaries apply to all areas of your life, work, family, friends, partners etc. Boundaries will give you freedom, they will lighten your load, they will allow you to see your value and worth and what you are willing to accept. Boundaries do not make you stuck up, hard to live with, ridiculous, cold, rude, mean etc. You deserve to have a magical life and boundaries will help you get there, but how or where do you begin?
Numbness, disassociation, out of body experience, not feeling alive, anyone feeling these right now? It's okay if you are, it's such a natural way to deal with trauma and grief. What the world is experiencing is a form of trauma and grief and sometimes when that happens, it feels like we are living but almost like we are standing by watching someone else live our lives void of all emotions. It's a state I've been in many times over the last 10 years and one I know well.
Dating, the act in which I hate. Any other socially anxious woman or even just woman these days, dread the thought of dating? I figured I should switch things up a bit and post on other things happening in my life and dating, well, let's just say, it's left me hopeless.
How many of you feel like you are at the end? Perhaps the feeling of doom has taken over, hitting rock bottom has happened time and time again, you just don't feel like you are living anymore knowing that you are but you don't connect to it? We are living in a time in which everyones mental health is being severely impacted. From the old to the young and everyone in between. Many of us have been waking up with the dread of not knowing what to do so what do you do?
You feel stuck, like you can't possibly move on. You feel as if you will never reach the surface and breathe again. You feel life is doomed, there is no way out. You feel like you can't possibly have a future because your past has a tight grip on you. What if you could though? What if you did some hard work on yourself to get to a point in which you felt good. In which you felt strong and confident and are able to handle and do things you never imagined? Are you ready to live your life the way you are intended too? Where do you start you ask? Right here, I'm going to share another 3 part series on some work I have been doing in hopes that some of you who feel this way may be able to work on yourselves and get to a better point. Up first we have addressing the past.
In the last post about writing for the third part we look at the future. I know this may be a struggle for many people, I use to be one of those people who had a hard time with the future. The future meant having goals, dreams, aspirations, it meant making plans and taking steps to achieve what I wanted in life. That can seem daunting and scary at a time like this and again, completely normal and healthy reactions to what is going on. I still encourage you to think about a few small things if thats all you can do, just think of one thing you are looking forward to when this is all over.
Part two in the writing through grief series we are going to be writing about what we are thankful for. I want to point out, this may be tough. When I was going through all my trauma, plenty of people liked to point out things I should be grateful for and though I knew very well what those things were and that I was indeed grateful for them, I felt like they were downplaying my trauma. You can be thankful and grieve at the same time, when you are in the midst of a hard moment, it's okay not to sit and think of things to be grateful for. Some people find it helpful but some people aren't able to comprehend in the moment and that is okay. You will get there when you are ready.
One important step while going through trauma is labeling. I don't mean labeling yourself but more so label the world around you. Label the things you miss, the things you wish for, the things you look forward to, label them as a part of the healing process. Empty what is floating around in your head and get it out on a piece of paper.
What a crazy time we are living in right now. Did you know that this moment we are in will be in history books world wide at some point. How insane is that? How are you holding up? How am I holding up? Honestly, this to me is just another day.
It's been quiet over here at Buzzing With Bee and Me due to Bee and I buzzing around living life. This year was the first year I made a vision board. It was the first year I actually took all my hopes and dreams for the year and put them on something concrete. I spent days cutting out pictures and words from magazines and when I couldn't find what I was looking for, I wrote it in myself. This year I made the decision to invest, it's my chosen word for the year. It's the word at the top of my vision board.
One day you will just know, you will know your time has come. You will know your year has come. You will know you life is about to begin. You will know the weight and the burden has been lifted off. You will be able to breathe again, smile again, laugh again. Life will just simply start.
Some writers hit a plateau in their writing, it's me, I'm that writer. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, I've sat down many times with my keys on the board but nothing comes out. It's strange because I have learned so much over the past few months that I feel I have so much to share, but at the same time I'm so protective of what I share. I've always been open, I'm not one to shy away from taboo subjects but lately, I've been so focused on self care that I can't just put words on the paper.
One month since my fingers have hit the keyboard to type. One month in which I have gained 1000 things to write about. One month that I gave myself the time. One month that I stepped away from it all, a difficult decision but the best decision.
Society seems to have forgotten what Christmas is really about. It has become so materialistic and toxic that many people dread Christmas. I dreaded Christmas for years after Ty and Jacob died, I hated Christmas, I loathed Christmas. Once Bee was a bit older and appreciated or knew about Christmas, I started to find my love for it again but in a much different way.
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