Some writers hit a plateau in their writing, it's me, I'm that writer. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, I've sat down many times with my keys on the board but nothing comes out. It's strange because I have learned so much over the past few months that I feel I have so much to share, but at the same time I'm so protective of what I share. I've always been open, I'm not one to shy away from taboo subjects but lately, I've been so focused on self care that I can't just put words on the paper. 

One month since my fingers have hit the keyboard to type. One month in which I have gained 1000 things to write about. One month that I gave myself the time. One month that I stepped away from it all, a difficult decision but the best decision. 

Society seems to have forgotten what Christmas is really about. It has become so materialistic and toxic that many people dread Christmas. I dreaded Christmas for years after Ty and Jacob died, I hated Christmas, I loathed Christmas. Once Bee was a bit older and appreciated or knew about Christmas, I started to find my love for it again but in a much different way. 

It's been quiet over here, so quiet that you can hear the crickets chirping. Actually, crickets chirping is one of my favourite summer time sounds. For my mental health, I made a promise to myself last month to take a step back. I've taken great leaps forwards this year and felt I needed to take a step back to rejuvenate my soul. 

This week I bought $50 worth of ice cream, how is your week going?

Have you ever hit a point where you have realized that if you continue living the way you do, you may not last long? Have you hit or have been close to your breaking point? It's not a great place to be. Everything seems dark, life seems hopeless, you struggle to live each day and get through the basics of life. You know in your mind that something needs to be done but you don't have the energy. I've been at that point before, years ago. I've been there so I know my warning sign that I'm headed back down that road and this week I've been able to catch myself before it goes that far again. 

Through all my years of counselling and therapy, one (of many) thing has stuck. Shortly after Ty died I was told to find one thing a day for me. This thing could take as little as 5 minutes up to a full hour but whatever it was, it was to be done for me, One thing I could do for myself every single day. 

Triggers, we are often told to figure out our triggers so we can avoid them and soften the blow they may have on us. Sometimes we can't avoid triggers and need to learn how to cope when they show up. Sometimes we can't identify triggers and are taken back when they show up suddenly. Sometimes simple words can be triggers, as I recently found out. 

Sitting with upsetting emotions is never comfortable. It forces you to sit and dwell on that uncomfortableness. It makes you think and feel and no one ever really likes to do that. It's not a great feeling, but sometimes sitting with emotions helps you acknowledge, understand and face them on the way to healing.

Bubbling up from the depths of my soul, pouring out of my eyes, running down my cheek and onto my shoulders. The tears of emdr flow freely. The tears that are like no other. They are the purest form of emotion. 

It isn't always easy, this thing we call life. Many of us struggle through, some more than others. Struggling can look different from person to person but most you meet in life are facing a challenge they are struggling with. Reflecting on struggles the past week, I've come to accept that not all struggles are bad. 

It should come as no surprise that this time of year is the hardest for me. All of my trauma has existed in Fall and though I have been trying, it's hit this week. The weight of the world feels so heavy on my shoulders. I have felt sad, truly and deeply sad this week. Perhaps its the season, perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's my body reminding me, I don't know what it is but it has hit hard this week. 

Boundaries are an important part of life yet so many struggle to set them. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, facing someones boundaries can be just as uncomfortable. We struggle to set boundaries because most don't like confrontation and want to please everyone. The thing is, we can't please everyone so we need to please ourselves first (I, to this day, have a sticker that says that and find it a good reminder). Take care of you and the rest will follow, sure, but what if you get anxious to set boundaries because you don't want to face backlash? 

With divorce comes loss. The act of divorce within itself is a loss. A tremendous loss felt on a deep level. With it comes loss of a plethora of various pieces of your life, one of those being traditions. It's not often talked about, people tend to shy away from talking about the hard subjects. For fear of embarrassment maybe, perhaps because it is too emotionally hard to discuss, but we all feel it, we all acknowledge the changes as difficult as they may be. The loss of traditions is one most don't hear of because it's hard to place words to that loss. 

Throughout life's challenges people often make statements with good intention but many fall short or diminish the challenges we are going through. One term I have heard time and time again throughout all my trauma is "it will get easier". 

"EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes." -EMDR Institute 

This was not how it was suppose to be. This was not a part of the dream, goal or hope. This was not what life was envisioned as. But here we are, more specifically here I am. I've been given the chance to start over. I've been given the chance to wipe the slate clean and remake my life. How or where do I even begin? Friendship. 

Fall is by far the most magical season. It has always held a special place in my heart. The beauty of the cool days shinning with the warmth of the sun, the crisp mornings and brisk evenings are soothing to the soul. It's the season of my favourite attire, hoodies. I live in hoodies. I live for hoodies. Bonfires, apple picking, pumpkin picking, carving pumpkins, baking, apple cider, Halloween, the list of wonder goes on and on. There is so much to love about Fall, everything except the days between September 5th and October 16th. 

8 years. 8 years since this beautiful soul blessed me with 2 1/2 days of life. 8 years since I held my baby boy for the first and last time. 8 years since I slept holding my dead son, assuring he was warm until he had to be carried away in the dreadful black box. 

The time of help and comfort from others in my situation has ended. Our monthly women's group is no more. Perhaps it may make a come back with the new staff and I sure hope it does because surrounding yourself with a group of people who have or are going through the trauma you are is incredibly powerful.. To sit amongst those who understand your feelings, thoughts, actions, responses and emotions, it's healing. 

It started off strong. My game face was on and I was ready to tackle my incredibly long to-do list. Things on the to-do list included things that I've been meaning to get to for over 3 years. I struggle to finish tasks because when Bee is around, I always make sure my focus is on her. When she is off for a few days, I clean and organize like a mad woman. It works. This week though, despite starting off strong, ended with me on my knees, weaker than I thought. 

Summer days have us drifting away to the East coast of Canada. We went, we saw, we conquered. Our souls relaxed and re-set. A bucket list travel destination has been checked off for both Bee and I. The beauty of the East coast is breathtaking. Getting there, not so much. 

Did you enjoy it more this year than you would have last year? That question has sat with me for over 24 hours now. Chatting with my personal trainer about our recent trip to the East coast of Canada, I said it was an okay trip. There were a few things that hindered it from being amazing. He then proceeded to ask me that question. It's all I can think about....

Tears streamed down my face. I could not contain the tears no matter how hard I bit my lip and I did not care that people around me noticed my tears. They truly could not be contained. They were happy tears, tears of pride and peacefulness. They were tears of the past, caused by a glimpse into the old her. The old her I haven't seen in forever, not until the moment when she got onto the rings and was in her glory.