8 years. 8 years since this beautiful soul blessed me with 2 1/2 days of life. 8 years since I held my baby boy for the first and last time. 8 years since I slept holding my dead son, assuring he was warm until he had to be carried away in the dreadful black box.
8 years is a long time. 8 years is a long time to learn many lessons. His short life taught me many wonderful blessings. He taught me strength and resilience. He taught me to fight, to never give up. He taught me what it really meant to be a mother, to always do what is best for your children and fight for their lives. He taught me unconditional love in the purest form.
He showed me there is beauty and peace within death. As I whispered to him "it's okay, you can go be with your brother" a sigh of relief crept over his face and into my soul. I knew his fight was over. I knew my fight was over. It was the moment I realized that all my efforts were just not enough for my sick little boy. I gave him my all in hopes of a miracle and he gave me a few precious days on earth.
The pictures and videos are all I have left. Memories of his pregnancy are vague, just like most memories of pregnancy are vague no matter the outcome. My grief is not overwhelming. I have placed it in a good spot through EMDR. I feel the tug at my heart but it isn't all consuming. I'm no longer stuck in bed eating my emotions, I have plans for today. Plans that always, like every September 7th, include McDonald's for dinner. There is significance to this dinner, the food from this specific place.
Not many more words can describe the utter heartbreak over Jacob's death. Just like there are not many words that can describe Ty's death 11 months prior. Losing a child is the most heart wrenching, soul breaking experience a person can have. It is life changing.
Happy 8th year wherever you are my beautiful soul, until we meet again.
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All Of My Children
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