One month since my fingers have hit the keyboard to type. One month in which I have gained 1000 things to write about. One month that I gave myself the time. One month that I stepped away from it all, a difficult decision but the best decision.
At the end of last year I felt overwhelmed. Everything seemed to be piling up and I felt like I was spiraling down so I made a decision. I decided to pull away from everything, cancel all commitments and focus heavily on self-care. When I first made the decision, I compared it to me pushing everyone and everything away after Ty died. At the time, it was all I knew what to do but I lost so much during that time. The loneliness of life after the death of Ty and Jacob creeped into the back of my mind while making the decision to step back. I was afraid I'd lose everything again but I saw no other option to quell the water putting out my flame.
However, as I went through the weeks after deciding to step back from everything, I noticed it was not like after Ty and Jacobs death. Yes, I did make the decision to cancel just about everything and only fill my soul with what it needed and when but during the time of heavy self-care focus, I was reborn. It was the first time in my life that I listened to me, I listened to the voice within and what my body was telling me. During this time I participated in two groups per week that focused on healing trauma and self-discovery. It was in those groups, in addition to my massages, meditation and getting more spiritual, that I saw a change in me. Not only did I see it but I felt it. I felt like my energy started to vibrate on a different level.
I'm a very open minded person and some of the things I learned in the self-discovery group were new to me (meditation, yoga for trauma, rocks, minerals, plant based food, tarot and angel reading cards etc) and I can't deny that using these shifted my soul. l found the more I took time to sit and release what no longer served me any purpose and put it out there that I was welcome and open to receiving whatever was coming my way, the more I felt lighter. The more it made my soul feel free.
This year I didn't set goals, I'm not one to do "resolutions" but rather making life changes to better my life. This year I didn't choose a word because there are simply too many. When I took time away at the end of last year, it cleared the old and now I'm ready for the new. Perhaps it was the thought of a new decade, a new time in my life that will bring nothing but joy, happiness, love, more kids, more cats and maybe even dogs. I don't know what the universe will send but I'm open. I'm more open now than I have ever been before. I know I can handle it, I know I am capable and I feel a fire in me leading me in the direction of my life's purpose.
I want to be a helper, my experience has given me a vast knowledge on various taboo subjects and I want to help others through those times. I want to do good in the world and make a difference. I don't simply want a job anymore, I want a career with passion. I went through what I went through to help others. I cannot dull the spark in me, it's my time. The past month I have learned so much and have healed so many hurts and I feel pretty damn good. In fact, as Lizzo sings, feelin good as hell!
During my time away, I was also able to identify the areas I still struggle with. This year I am focusing on emotional freedom and courage. Being able to identify what is holding me back will only make my EMDR sessions all the more powerful. I've also been able to identify that it will take time. When you are stuck in a cycle for years, it becomes a part of you, literally becomes a part of you, mind, body and soul. I have given myself the patience to know it will take time to over come all that I'm still stuck with but bit by bit, I will get there.
This decade is my decade, it is my time to manifest all that I desire and to go after my passions in life. I will be open to what comes my way and I will allow exploration in areas I have hidden away from (think love because every time I pull a damn card, it talks about love, but love can come in many forms). I have been challenged to think differently on my stuck ways and I'm working through some, it will take time but I also now know not to wait until everything settles because it never will. Life is an adventure, there's always going to be ups and downs and spastic moments. Life will challenge you, it will provide you with desires and opportunities when least expected and you can't help but go after them. Life isn't suppose to be boring and mundane, not to say you can't be a homebody who enjoys the simple and pleasant things in life but there will always be change. Life is suppose to have change. Everyone changes.
I love my quiet, simple, loving life and while I will continue to give my soul what it needs, I will also listen to the passion and desire within. At the end of the day, taking time away at the end of last year was so vastly different than when Ty and Jacob died. During that time I was just trying to survive and I lost so much, but last year, I re-discovered me. I didn't lose anything but that which did not serve me, I gained, I gained a fresh, new perspective on life and energy and healing. I gained new ways to live life peacefully. I gained perspective in what I want to do and where I want to go in life and who I want by my side. I am thankful I made the decision, I am thankful those in my life who are meant to be there supported that decision. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to work on the relationships I do have, and foster growth of new relationships.
Taking time away was exactly what I needed. It allowed me to focus on what I want out of this next decade. It allowed me to see areas I need to continue to work on, it allowed me to pinpoint things I will and will not accept in relationships, it allowed me to see red and green flags. It allowed me to experience new ways to connect with myself and the universe, with mother nature. It allowed me to see how I can help myself so that I can help Bee. It showed me how to heal and how to help heal Bee. Life skills, I learned like skills that I was lacking and not only do they benefit me, they will benefit Bee as she continues through life and experiences new opportunities and challenges.
If you have the time, re-discover you. If you don't have the time, make the time. It doesn't have to be as drastic as my time away, but little by little, re-discover you. Take a new class, be open, be vulnerable, try something you are unsure of, reach out and make new connections with people who share your energy. Learn who you are and own it. Speak out, listen, understand, appreciate, our world is full of turmoil, lets all work together to soften the world and make it a better place, not just for those of us that are here now, but for our kids and their kids. Let's make this world a better place and that starts by bettering ourselves.
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All Of My Children
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