It should come as no surprise that this time of year is the hardest for me. All of my trauma has existed in Fall and though I have been trying, it's hit this week. The weight of the world feels so heavy on my shoulders. I have felt sad, truly and deeply sad this week. Perhaps its the season, perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's my body reminding me, I don't know what it is but it has hit hard this week.
Boundaries are an important part of life yet so many struggle to set them. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, facing someones boundaries can be just as uncomfortable. We struggle to set boundaries because most don't like confrontation and want to please everyone. The thing is, we can't please everyone so we need to please ourselves first (I, to this day, have a sticker that says that and find it a good reminder). Take care of you and the rest will follow, sure, but what if you get anxious to set boundaries because you don't want to face backlash?
With divorce comes loss. The act of divorce within itself is a loss. A tremendous loss felt on a deep level. With it comes loss of a plethora of various pieces of your life, one of those being traditions. It's not often talked about, people tend to shy away from talking about the hard subjects. For fear of embarrassment maybe, perhaps because it is too emotionally hard to discuss, but we all feel it, we all acknowledge the changes as difficult as they may be. The loss of traditions is one most don't hear of because it's hard to place words to that loss.
Throughout life's challenges people often make statements with good intention but many fall short or diminish the challenges we are going through. One term I have heard time and time again throughout all my trauma is "it will get easier".
"EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes." -EMDR Institute
This was not how it was suppose to be. This was not a part of the dream, goal or hope. This was not what life was envisioned as. But here we are, more specifically here I am. I've been given the chance to start over. I've been given the chance to wipe the slate clean and remake my life. How or where do I even begin? Friendship.
Fall is by far the most magical season. It has always held a special place in my heart. The beauty of the cool days shinning with the warmth of the sun, the crisp mornings and brisk evenings are soothing to the soul. It's the season of my favourite attire, hoodies. I live in hoodies. I live for hoodies. Bonfires, apple picking, pumpkin picking, carving pumpkins, baking, apple cider, Halloween, the list of wonder goes on and on. There is so much to love about Fall, everything except the days between September 5th and October 16th.
8 years. 8 years since this beautiful soul blessed me with 2 1/2 days of life. 8 years since I held my baby boy for the first and last time. 8 years since I slept holding my dead son, assuring he was warm until he had to be carried away in the dreadful black box.
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All Of My Children
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