Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It comes into your life like a wrecking ball. It destroys all that you knew, who you were and life. Whether you loss was at 6 weeks or 6 months, whether it was your first or your fifth, whether it was planned or not, whether you have had one loss or multiple. Each and everyone destroys you time and time again. Each one takes a toll on your life more than you could ever imagine. Only those walking in similar shoes know the pain. 

There is so much happening in the world right now, be thankful you live where you live. There is so much happening in the world now, be thankful you have what you have. There is so much happening in the world, be thankful you don't fear bombs, guns, civil distress, fires, hurricanes, landslides, tsunamis. You're lucky you grief is only minimal. You couldn't have loved a baby when you were only 6 weeks pregnant.  

My first baby died. My second baby died. My third baby was born and is now a healthy 7 year old. My fourth baby died. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. In fact, October is becoming the month to remember children gone too soon. I'll never forget finding out Ty's birthday was the day to remember children gone to soon. It was like an extra hard punch in the gut. I was envious for years because he didn't get his own day to be remembered. He was grouped together with all the children. Jacob had his own day. Baby unknown had their own day but Ty didn't get his own. His name melted in with the others being remembered.. October is a month of remembering. 

September 5th has come and gone once again. A yearly date that takes me back to the moment that changed my life for a second time. The death of my second son Jacob. You know what I did to remember him this year? Nothing. You know how I felt about that decision? Perfectly fine. Sometimes in life traditions end so I'm writing this blog to all those who have stopped celebrations that remember their children gone too soon. 

October 1st marks the beginning of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Along with it came the above picture. My heart breaks for Chrissy Teigen and her family. Never has a picture spoken so deeply to me. Never have I felt a picture so intensely. Those tears, the heartache, the heartbreak, the life changing moment, the empty womb, the grief, the socks, the hospital gown, the sterile and quiet environment, the only sound being the sobs of the mother, leaving the hospital without a baby, figuring out how to live on, all of it. This picture describes it all. A pain so deep, those who have not experienced can never even imagine. My heart drips tears and feels this picture on a level so profound. 

Let go, all you need to do is let go, you could move on and feel better if you let go....blah blah blah. Sorry but I'm tired of hearing this statement when it comes to grief. I get the point, I need to let go of the past to move into the future. The thing is, I have no fucking idea how to, that's the issue. Telling me to let go is not helping, perhaps offering some suggestions on how to let go would be more helpful.