Rediscovering love and passion is one area I am focusing on. I'm not talking about relationship love, other than relationship with self. I'm talking about rediscovering your love or my love for life and things in life. Through all my trauma I feel I have lost who I was, I was per say, a lost soul. I misplaced things I was passion about and enjoyed doing. I do understand over time these things could naturally change, however, I feel most people have passions or interests that last many years.
Today I am rediscovering my love of sewing. Sewing is a newer hobby/passion of mine as I didn't start sewing until after Ty died. I vaguely remember after he died I felt so purposeless, in addition to about 100 different emotions, feelings and thoughts but I wanted to do something. I needed to focus on something productive other than my daily shower. One evening I was meandering around Wal-Mart, properly dressed as a person of Wal-Mart (thanks grief) and as I walked down the sewing aisle, I thought why not. I had never sewn before and I had no idea what to do but I had the machine in my cart and back home in no time.
I sat on line for awhile watching videos of how to sew, learning all the different buttons and bobbins. I don't exactly remember what I was sewing, but I remember feeling a sense of accomplishment, a sense of purpose. It was a way of proving to myself that despite failing at one of life's biggest tasks as a woman, I could still produce something. It was something that was there for me at 2am when I couldn't sleep, when I was lying awake and crying, it filled my mind with distraction which in turn brought me back to sleep. It filled the days of staring endlessly out the window watching life pass by, it filled the weekends of staying indoors because, well, grief sucks. I enjoyed sewing, not only because I could finish and produce something physical, unlike being able to give birth to a living, healthy child (at the time) but I had my heart in it.
My love for sewing eventually turned into Walnut Creek Organics, my kids clothing company. Though I had a fierce passion for creating all my pieces, it became too much for just little ole me to handle. When Walnut Creek began to close, I was also at a turning point in my life where I knew things were going to drastically change and I needed to be in a better spot career wise to be able to sustain the impending future. I wrapped up my company and with it Serge and Betty began to gather dust.
Almost 2 years passed and I decided, like every Christmas, to make something homemade for Bee. It had been a while since I had sewn her anything, though I still made the occasional pants here and there. For some reason, I didn't seem to recollect how difficult sewing little baby clothes was so I took on the task of making doll clothes. Let's just say I bought more fabric than I was able to sew. Even though there were a lot of swear words and bloody fingers, it was 100% worth it. To see Bee's face on Christmas morning, I knew it had lite the fire in me to sew for love. Over the past 9 months, I have taken to sewing, mostly for Bee. I made her and her dolls matching outfits, which she thinks is totally cool and is proud to wear them so I'm sewing that boat as long as I can and have started to sew out of love for other people in my life.
A very special baby will be arriving later this year (not mine, though I'm totally going to snuggle the heck out of it) and I was excited to find something very meaningful to create. I WAS EXCITED. I connected to a positive emotion.......OMG, I need to keep sewing, I need to keep sewing for enjoyment, for love, for passion. I may not open my own business again, and I may not sew in large amounts but taking on the tasks over the past few months has made me realize I love sewing, I miss it. I need to do it more often. To create from nothing into something beautiful and special, full of love for the people in my life that I love, that is a passion of mine and I'm going to hold onto that one.
Next up, Bee learns how to sew......
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All Of My Children
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