Have you ever hit a point where you have realized that if you continue living the way you do, you may not last long? Have you hit or have been close to your breaking point? It's not a great place to be. Everything seems dark, life seems hopeless, you struggle to live each day and get through the basics of life. You know in your mind that something needs to be done but you don't have the energy. I've been at that point before, years ago. I've been there so I know my warning sign that I'm headed back down that road and this week I've been able to catch myself before it goes that far again.
It's time to pull back and reset. It's time to drop everything that serves a stressful purpose or one that does not align with my goals (not so hard when you have no goals). My body can't keep going and I need to nourish it. I need to rest. This year has been about re-building my life but it hasn't gone according to plan (actually I didn't have a plan so shit just is shit). What I failed to realize at the beginning of the year is that before I could rebuild I needed to heal. All year I've put my healing on hold and it has caught up to me. I feel like I can't catch my breath. My heart constantly beats with anxiety.
It is time I pull back and rest. Focus on what I need in the moment while planning for the future. Changes are being made, sometimes when you think you want to do something it doesn't pan out and you need to make more changes. It's me, I'm sometimes and something.
Pulling back isn't always easy though, I'm still facing challenges. Ones that are incredibly frustrating and make me want to punch things and scream. Ones that make me feel hopeless and think negatively about the world. One that cause incredibly self doubt. Ones that make me cry night after night when no one else is around. Ones that make me question so many things and challenge me.
Even in the midst of pulling back, it's fascinating how much my brain seems to appreciate it. This week in EMDR, something happened that I've never been able to do (separate blog about that coming soon) I was able to practice imagery. I haven't done that in years, at least 10. I'm proud of my brain for waking the fuck up. I think thats a part of the struggle. Things are so incredibly challenging right now and feel so heavy because I'm waking up. I'm re-aligning myself with things that fill me with gratitude and warmth. It's making me question where I was going, where I am and where I want to go. I don't feel those are the same as the beginning of the year. Waking up has allowed me to feel moments of positive emotions and though I still lack the ability to register them or connect with them afterthought, in moments, I have felt excitement in my heart. I have felt gratitude. I have felt my soul waking up. I have felt calmness. I have felt feelings that I haven't felt in years,
I give so much credit to EMDR because it is really making a change in my life in a positive way. I know I have a long way go to, I have a lot more to work on but seeing the changes, these past few weeks and actually giving myself the time right now that I need, it's been pretty amazing. I am struggling so hard because I am in a place I haven't been in a long time. It's not that the shitty stuff is harder, it's that I'm experiencing positive emotions and its like my brain and body don't know what the hell to do. I am giving myself the last month of this decade to start over, I mean truly start over. I have zero commitments for this month (not entirely true, I do have some but they are only aligned with what brings my heart peace). I am focusing on peace, calmness, intention. I have started Yoga every day to help my body and mind. I am trying to eat food that nourish my body but also enjoying food.
I was close to reaching my breaking point but I was able to catch the signs and now I'm recreating my life. I have the opportunity to change and my goal is to make a difference. I have some ideas in the works, as well as my own new business (To Be Determined Co.) In one month, a new decade begins and I'm aiming to have it be the best. Hopefully once my body and mind adjust to these new wonderful feelings, it won't seem as challenging.
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All Of My Children
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