It should come as no surprise that this time of year is the hardest for me. All of my trauma has existed in Fall and though I have been trying, it's hit this week. The weight of the world feels so heavy on my shoulders. I have felt sad, truly and deeply sad this week. Perhaps its the season, perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's my body reminding me, I don't know what it is but it has hit hard this week.
Day 15 of my 30 days came and went and unfortunately it has been delayed. I had two wisdom teeth removed on Tuesday and it has been a set back for me. Perhaps its' the copious amount of medication I have been on that has led to this sad feeling, perhaps its the inability to work out or eat tacos. Something about this week has been off and it has left a heaviness on my heart. I have not felt like myself, it's a feeling similar to when Ty first died. Perhaps its my body reliving that emotion.
It's been a struggle through school work, which I feel I may not succeed in, figuring out what I want to do with my life (which is HUGE), taking the steps to assess the next part in my life, searching out new friends, so many life altering events are happening and at a quick rate and all I want to do is sit and binge watch TV. Again, a similar feeling to after the boys dying.
Maybe it's my body remembering this time of year, the trauma I am working on letting go. So much doubt has filled my mind. I've had wonderful ides of what I want to do and have taken some steps but it is scary. Then again, aren't all life altering decisions scary at first? Aren't all new things in life scary? That has never stopped me before and I don't suspect it will now. Figuring out what I want is all a part of the process. It's all about the new me. I don't simply want to live anymore, I want to be alive. I want to be alive with passion and filled with motivation. I want to love what I do for a living but where does that lead me to?
That's a part of the problem, I don't know. I feel so much pressure, such an intense pressure to figure it out quickly but I don't feel I can. If there is one thing I know for sure is that I love helping people. I like encouraging people, I like making people not feel so alone and inspiring them. I am passionate about women's issues and mental health issues, but again, where can I go with that? That's the part I am trying to figure out, how do I bring all these passions, all these things I love together and form something I can do to make this world a better place. If anyone has any suggestions on careers that involve all the above, send me a message! In the mean time, I'll be over here trying to figure out how to piece everything together into something I can be proud of and trying not to let the opinions of others bring me down into a subdued life.
Even with the motivation to figure it all out, this week has been hard, I have been in so much pain physically and mentally. My dentist has told me over the years I needed my wisdom teeth removed and though I truly believe this is just something all dentists say, my time had come where I had to get two removed. One was coming in sideways and hurting the tooth next to it and the other one had a cavity. I avoided it for so long due to the fear. I have a tremendous fear about general anesthesia, I have had other procedures done where it has been recommend but I decline. I was relieved to know that they could pull my wisdom teeth with local freezing but that didn't take away all the anxiety. In fact, it became so overwhelming that after they had put the needles in to freeze, I passed out. It was quick and I was back to it shortly but my anxiety had reached the point of no return. It's been a very long time since that has happened.
The actual procedure was quick and painless. I did have to remain in recovery longer just to make sure I wouldn't pass out again and then I was off. I am on day 7 now and still in lots of pain, though I don't typically tolerate pain well. This whole experience has been nothing but horrible. I thought I would feel proud to know I faced a fear and did it! Not so much, all I can think is, when will this pain end. I'm sure it has added to the sadness. I have had to take lots of pain meds and had to stop taking the heavy duty ones because I am so sensitive to medication that they were making me feel way to ill. It reminded me of Jacob.
After having my c-section with him, I tried the heavy duty meds but could not tolerate them. I only took Advil and Tylenol after my c-section. This pain is comparable. I thought this week would be okay, I thought taking some time off to heal and recover wouldn't affect me. I thought a few days of rest sounded great. I thought I would feel proud that I did it but honestly, I have felt nothing but sadness.
I feel as if I am falling, falling backwards a few steps. Even though my person trainer has told me before, we may feel like we are falling back but we aren't falling back like we have before (or something along those lines) basically meaning, I may feel like I am falling back, but in reality it's just a short step back, I am still further ahead than where I would have been had this happened a year ago. It's something I try to remember, just like when he asked if I enjoyed my vacation more than I would have last year, yeah I did. So though I feel I am falling, I have not fallen back as far as I would have a year ago and I know in a few days when I am feeling better, I'll get back up. I just didn't expect the falling to be holding on this long. Maybe I need it though, I'd have a good cry but it hurts like hell to have any facial expressions so it will have to wait and in the meantime, I'm finally watching Friends. I may be late to the game and wholly sexual innuendos, but I'm enjoying it. I've had a few good laughs (not so great when your mouth is in pain). I will remain focused on the next week, get back on track with me. It starts with me.
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All Of My Children
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