Hurt and Loneliness

Triggers, we are often told to figure out our triggers so we can avoid them and soften the blow they may have on us. Sometimes we can't avoid triggers and need to learn how to cope when they show up. Sometimes we can't identify triggers and are taken back when they show up suddenly. Sometimes simple words can be triggers, as I recently found out. 

Through my recent EMDR session, I was able to identify two words that have taken a hold on me. They are trigger words. If I say them, or hear them, they trigger me into a rabbit hole of the past. My mind goes haywire trying to bring  all the memories attached to two words back into the present time. It floods my mind and my body. I feel it everywhere but mostly it sits heavy on my heart. My heart is where I feel it the most.  My two trigger words: hurt and loneliness. I can only assume these may be trigger words for many people. 

Many people know the depths of these words and the sadness that it brings. These two words have brought me down, I have been feeling a bit down. I have been feeling sad. I choose not to ignore them though. I know they have a purpose and I know how to cope and manage them. These two words are holding me back and in order for me to go on in life fully focused in the future, I need to rewire these emotions between my body and mind. 

I need to dig deep into those two words and acknowledge every memory they bring up. As hard and painful as it may be to visit some of those old memories, they have a grip on me that I need to release. If I am to move forward in all areas of life, I need the freedom to do so and until I talk about (something I like to avoid doing) those feelings, the thoughts, the words, the emotions, the memories, until I can do that I won't be able to live fully. 

I have yet to acknowledge why I don't want to talk about certain things and even though I'm slowly starting to bring some things up in EMDR, there is still a large part of me that doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps it's still a sense of denial, or confrontation. Perhaps it's my brains inability to address more than one thing at a time. I'm currently struggling with a large amount of brain fog, it's almost like my brain is asleep while my body is awake. I have had to rely heavily on my phone calendar with multiple reminders to get stuff done. It's never been this bad. Actually, it has, the lat time I started EMDR and I was challenging my brain to change. I remember the fogginess and that it lasted for a few months. I know once the fog clears though, that's when life begins again. Once my brain has processed these two triggering words, once I face those emotions and memories, I then will wake up and move on, live my life without being tied down so much. 

I never could have guessed two little words would have a hold on me as tight as they do or that these two words could bring up so much that I can barely breathe. They catch me off guard all times of the day, they fester in my mind while trying to sleep, they bring tears to my eyes anytime I address them, Two words, two simple, "normal" words have made a huge impact on my heart and have a heavy weight sitting upon it. It's a trigger I can't avoid. These two words are often spoken in life, they as used on a daily basis (especially in counseling) so to avoid them is impossible. 

Perhaps it's my minds way of telling me I can no longer avoid the past, that I must face it in order to heal. My mind has presented me with something I simply cannot avoid so I must do what I need to and face it. The time has come when I need to stop denying my past and work on healing it instead. As messy, exhausting, brain fogged as it may be, now is the time.