Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It comes into your life like a wrecking ball. It destroys all that you knew, who you were and life. Whether you loss was at 6 weeks or 6 months, whether it was your first or your fifth, whether it was planned or not, whether you have had one loss or multiple. Each and everyone destroys you time and time again. Each one takes a toll on your life more than you could ever imagine. Only those walking in similar shoes know the pain.
A pain that you will carry for life. A pain that makes it hard to get out of bed and carry on. A pain that makes you question everything and fear loss. A pain that makes you queasy and tearful. A pain that makes you scream in the shower while the water drips on you just so you can feel something. It's a pain a mother of loss knows. It's a pain a mother of loss never forgets. Not 5 years, 1o years of even 50 years later.
You life as you know it will never be the same. You will never be the same, you simply cannot go back to being you after you experience the depth of pain losing a child brings. You values, morals and views on life will change. You direction in life will change. You career, schooling, partnership, family and friends will change. You will lose friends, not because of anything you did but because some people aren't comfortable holding others grief.
Speaking your child's name or telling their story is not an act of getting attention or pitty, it's an act of a grieving mother speaking her child's name, telling their story out of love and remembrance. It's a mother trying to hold onto the little life that she once held. It's a mother trying to bring validation to the short but meaningful life her little one had. It's a mother trying to figure out how to live on without a loved on.
Pregnancy and infant loss will wreck you. It's shitty. It's traumatic. It's heartbreaking. Its gut-wrenching and I'm not here to sugar coat it, that won't help any of you. I know there will come a day when you will get out of bed and not have your child on your mind all day. I know you will laugh again. I know you will take that step out the door and onto your new journey. I know you will "get back to it" but what I also know is it takes a hell of a lot of time (and in my case and maybe yours, a hell of a lot of therapy). Grief is messy. You will have up days, you will have down days. You will have trigger upon trigger that you could never foresee. Triggers will come even 10 years later. Time is how you need it. Grief is how you need it. Our journeys are similar but also different. Each of us is an individual and what works for one may not work for another. When some women seem to get right back out there, others need a few weeks, months or even years (especially with recurrent loss). How you do grief will look differently than how I do grief. Your triggers are different than my triggers but we all grieve, we all need time, we all have triggers, we all know how empty a womb feels after loss.
Some of us know the feeling of achy empty arms leaving a hospital without a baby. Some of us try and stop our milk from coming in while others choose to donate it. Some of us have complications after labour and delivery. Some of us nearly die. Some of us know how horrendous phantom kicks can be. Some of us know we will never have the chance again and some of us don't until it's too late. Some of us don't get our "rainbow babies", some of us get 5 rainbow babies. Some of us bleed for weeks and weeks and have infections to deal with on top of the excruciating pain (from the loss and also from the delivery). Some of us have come home to nurseries that remain silent. Some of us get rid of all the baby stuff while others keep it where it is. Some of us get up 10 times a night and rock a teddy bear while sobbing. Some of us put a teddy bear in a carrier and go for a hike. Some of us stay in bed for days, barely able to eat. Some of us manage to get out for a walk and maye a shower.
The first few weeks and months are the hardest. They will be hard and you only have to survive through them. You don't have to impress anyone with how quickly you bounce back (you never need to). Sometimes jumping back into life and distracting yourself is what you need, just don't forget to sit with the emotions for a bit as well. Distractions can be incredibly helpful for making it through the day.
It's okay, all of it is okay. Keep that nursery up or take it down. Stay in bed orgo for a walk. Take a shower or a bath. Eat the tub of ice cream or have a salad. Watch TV 24/7 or none at all. Take time away from everyone or get together with people. Stop going out to stores and order everything online. Pull over while driving if you are crying to hard. Sit in silence or blare music. Grieve how you grieve and take the time you need. It's messy, it's horrible, there is no way around it only through it. There is a world of hurt mamas out there who have been or are going through the same thing.
Connect with me
All Of My Children
This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:
Current Number Of Columns are = 2
Expand Posts Area =
Gap/Space Between Posts = 10px
Blog Post Style = card
Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1
Blog Post Card Background Color = current color
Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color
Blog Post Card Border Color = current color
Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results