Throughout life's challenges people often make statements with good intention but many fall short or diminish the challenges we are going through. One term I have heard time and time again throughout all my trauma is "it will get easier".
The statement is said with good intention, trying to soften how you feel and shed some light on your future. The thing is, it's misleading. Ty and Jacob dying is still as hard today as it was back then but the difference is, I have learned how to deal with it. Things won't always get easier but you will learn how to deal with it and that part of the trauma gets easier.
Crying, screaming, laying in bed all day is no longer how I deal with it. These days I'm much more likely to go out for a walk, go for a run or hike, get together with friends, bake something, but it doesn't mean the feelings of loss aren't tremendous. They still are, I've just become better at dealing with them and learning to cope. I've learned how to place them in my life so they aren't all imposing but the thing is, they are still there and they still feel real.
It is often said to me that it will get easier when Bee is away. Meaning, I will have an easier time with it but I won't. That day will never come. I will learn how to cope and deal with it, but the strong emotions that come with those weekends, they will always be there.
September 14th, I woke up with a heaviness on my chest. I felt I was struggling to breathe, almost like I was gasping for air. I wasn't, but it felt like I was. All morning I could not shake this feeling, the sadness, the deep profound sadness. Today is a gorgeous Fall day, the days I live for. The bright blue sky, the warm sun and the cool crisp autumn air. These days soothe my soul, but today I was stuck. I could not sit still, I could not be at home with the silence, something in me was driving me to go, to get out, I felt trapped. I decided on a hike at a local park.
Driving to the park it hit me so hard I had to pull over from crying. September 14th, the day I buried Jacob. The weather was exactly like it is today. I woke up 8 years ago on that same morning feeling the exact way I did this morning. Trauma lives in my body, it reminds me of what was so no, it doesn't get easier, my body remembers and it reminds me. the pain of that day is clearly not easier, it's still there. I have learned how to cope and today was no different, I ran even though I was suppose to "rest" but I could not rest, not today and not tomorrow. My body remembers, my body knows it's not easier. My body knows I need a release of the held trauma. My body knows I need to cope and my body knows the best way to cope is to be active.
I don't write to discourage people, if you have followed for a long time you know that it's more important for me to be truthful. I don't sugar coat life because it doesn't help anyone, if anything it hurts more. I write today to let you know that, it doesn't always get easier, time doesn't heal all wounds. There are events so powerful in your life that they will be with you until the day you die. The emotions from those events will not always get easier, they will hold strong year after year. The part that does get easier, if you work hard towards it, is the part in which you cope and manage how you react to those emotions.
If you take the time to look them in the face and sit with them awhile, you will learn how to lessen the impact of those emotions so they don't set you sideways but those emotions will always be there and they will always be strong. My profound and deep sadness at this time of year will never get easier, just like every weekend Bee is away, I will forever be sad but it doesn't mean it has to hold me back and it doesn't mean those emotions will hold me back. I will learn and I will heal but I will also respect those emotions and know they are here to stay.
I will be gentle with them, I will honor them, I will cherish them, I will feed them and nourish them and acknowledge them. It will not become easier but I will still be able to live on.
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All Of My Children
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