Choice, it's a concept I have been struggling with the past few months. What is choice? According to Webster's its: the act/power of choosing. It is a preferred option by a person, to choose something that peaks their interest, fills their soul, gives them joy. It is a mind driven response to an outer request. Everyone makes 100's of choices a day from the clothes you wear, to the time you wake up, to the food you eat, to the people you talk to. Choices are all around us. Not every situation is a choice though, sometimes we are forced to face a choice that goes against what we want.
The place where I am in life, it wasn't my choice. You could argue that there are components of my current life that I did in fact choose and I'd agree with you, however, I was forced to make choices not aligned with my vision of life. I didn't necessarily choose them, they were placed upon me with no control.
When I was growing up, I always envisioned my family, meaning my future family. I wanted to be married with 3-4 kids or maybe even 5. We'd live in a nice house with two cars, a decent job, lots of animals and it would be perfect. Life would be perfect, but we all know that life is rarely perfect. There may be moments that are close to perfect but it's a fallacy. I made decisions when I was growing up that held to my vision of my future family. I thought I took all the right steps and made all the right decisions and I am more far from my vision than I ever have been. It wasn't my choice.
I could have never guessed the curve balls life would throw at me time and time and time again. From my losses, to trauma, relationships, jobs that caused more stress than they were worth, financial limits, pressure, lack of support, other things I cannot mention, they all led me to a place far from my vision. It wasn't my choice.
I was forced to make choices as the curve balls were thrown my way and take a detour on my journey. The curve balls have thrown me so far away from what I have always wanted that it hurts. It hurts more than I've been hurt before. To know where I am and where I am going, it does not hold true to my vision and it has been hard to accept that. My chances of the family I envisioned, more children, my house is fine I don't need that and we have a great car, but job, relationships, all these visions I had may never come to fruition. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing that Bee may be my last child when I wanted so many more, it's probably the hardest not knowing aspect of my current life. I know in my heart I would love to adopt and that is most likely the path that I will take but there are so many unknowns between now and there that I don't know. It wasn't my choice.
I have choices to make, I have some pretty life altering big choices to make coming up and they are scary but the last year has been about a fresh start and I feel in all aspects of my life, I need to make changes to get back on track. I need to change my vision, I may never achieve what I once wanted and I need to accept where I am but also be open to what may come my way. Not all choices may be mine but it doesn't mean I can't take them and try to make something from it. I will try not to let the forced choices make me powerless.
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All Of My Children
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