Struggles

It isn't always easy, this thing we call life. Many of us struggle through, some more than others. Struggling can look different from person to person but most you meet in life are facing a challenge they are struggling with. Reflecting on struggles the past week, I've come to accept that not all struggles are bad. 

There are people in my life who often ask how I am doing and my typical reply is, I'm having a hard time, we're getting by, we're getting there, I'm struggling. It's almost the end of 2019 and when I start reflecting on this year, I don't think there was one week where I didn't say I wasn't struggling. How sad and pathetic does that sound? At least that's how it made me feel. I felt sad that not even for one week I didn't udder the words I'm not struggling. But with reflection comes deeper meaning. While it may have grazed my mind that almost every single week I have said I was struggling, when I look closer I have realized it wasn't all bad. 

That is the key, not all struggles are bad. I've struggled so much this year because I am pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. I am re-defining my life which means making changes. It means taking huge, gigantic steps that I normally would not have. It means putting a lot of life under the microscope and deciding what to keep and what to let go. I have not sat around this year, I have made goals and worked towards achieving them. A lot of this year has been about firsts and yes those are a tough struggle but I'm learning as I go. 

I am learning about life, I am learning about myself, which I don't remember the last time I did that. I am participating in things I enjoy even if it pushes me outside my comfort bubble a bit. I am taking the steps to reach my goals no matter how scary they are. I am making big life decisions no matter how much I want to stay in comfort. The thing is, comfort won't allow me to reach my goals but perseverance will. I know I am resilient and I use my trauma to motivate me to become a better person. I always have, I always have looked for the lessons and inspirations. The same goes for this year. 

I am struggling because I have pushed myself outside my comfort zone, but it's not bad. Sure there have been times I struggled in a hard sense but most of it has been related to my personal growth and that by no means is a bad thing. It has been hard but it isn't the typical kind of struggle I have known in the past. It still bothers me that when people ask, I say it's a struggle because it is, but I don't always elaborate, I don't mention how good and soul searching some of these struggles have been. I fail to mention that these struggles are paving the way for the life I want. 

I may not have all the answers to the life I want, but I have an idea of the more important pieces that I want it to include. My road may be paved with struggles but it is now paved where as before it was just stones. Stones that would bounce all over when driven upon, most ended up in the ditch. But now, I have a solid foundation and I got it by persevering through my struggles. Without them I would not be where I am and I'm kind of liking the place I am and where I am going. 

Reflection can bring so much clarity and my struggles are one area I know I need to reflect  on more. I have a feeling my yearly New Year post of reflection will be the most raw, soul reaching, deep, satisfying, filled with struggles, post I have ever made. This year I have struggled, I have struggled hard on levels that were unrecognizable to me. I am thankful to the few key people in my life who saw me through and always kept encouraging me and allowing me to see things in myself I wouldn't normally reflect on. We are so good as humans to dismiss the positives within but when it is pointed out to you time and time again, it starts to settle in. 

My struggles this year are no different, they were pointed out to me time and time again and are now starting to settle in. Though this year has been filled with struggle, most of them have been good. So if you ask me how I am doing and I say I'm struggling, just know it may be one of the best struggles I've had to face. Know that deep down I am rebuilding on a level that most won't be able to recognize. I am struggling to re-define me but I am doing it and shit, it feels good. This year may not have gone according to plan, but in my life that never happens, so I just continue to smile, look for the positives, encourage others, inspire others, bake, enjoy life and all the little things in it and continue to persevere through my struggles, good and bad, to become who I want to be.