It started off strong. My game face was on and I was ready to tackle my incredibly long to-do list. Things on the to-do list included things that I've been meaning to get to for over 3 years. I struggle to finish tasks because when Bee is around, I always make sure my focus is on her. When she is off for a few days, I clean and organize like a mad woman. It works. This week though, despite starting off strong, ended with me on my knees, weaker than I thought.
It caught me by surprise. Each day that passed, I was faced with more emotion. Each day that passed I was faced with draining mental exhaustion. My to-do list slowly dwindled but kept me up each night until 12am. I could not bring myself to go to bed, it felt like something was not finished. It didn't sit right with me. I was doing just to avoid the silence of laying down where my mind could wander.
The stark silence of the house without her here struck me like it never has before. I simply could not be in this house. It felt foreign without her. My therapist said it's common for moms to feel that way when their kiddos aren't at home. I thought I was alone but perhaps I am not. Being in our home without her made me uncomfortable. It simply did not feel right. My goal, my plan for the week changed day in and day out. When a morning started off productive, it quickly turned into me heading out to do some retail/food therapy.
My new goal is to curb the emotions so that in times like these, I do not fall, that I am able to remain strong and focused. I cannot keep turning to material things and food.
In time I will adjust, just like I have to everything else. It's always the firsts that seem so incredibly hard. You never truly know what to expect, how you will feel or how you will react. You may think you have an idea of how it might go, but it never goes the way you think it will. It alway grabs you and holds on harder than you thought. It was like the first holidays after Ty and Jacob died. You know they will be emotional but you feel prepared to handle them, they then approach and you are swept away with overflowing emotions.
This week has challenged me in ways I have not been challenged before. It included a full blow panic attack, thankfully it was short and I was able to distract myself back down to reality. This week I have ate like shit, I mean full on junk food almost every day, I have yet to curb my emotional eating, it is a goal of mine through emdr (more about that to come). I want to get to a point where I don't turn to food.
This week I spent more money that I should have. One of my love languages is gift giving. For me, I love to gift people things. When I am out shopping and see something that reminds me of someone, I typically purchase it and when I say someone I mostly mean Bee. I admit, Bee is semi-spoiled but I try to balance it between material objects and experiences. Though she has a bag full of goodies for her return, we also are going camping, going out for lunch and getting our nails done. A previous counsellor told me this is also common, that moms who have lost children tend to get more for their living children, again, I perhaps am not alone in these feelings. I have yet to curb my retail therapy to a controllable amount. I have gotten better but its another goal of mine through emdr. I want to get to a point where I don't buy as much.
This week I have learned that my life is a taboo, People avoid taboo subjects and damn, my life is one huge fuck load of a taboo. I met with a friend who told me she appreciates that I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things and though sometimes I wonder if I should, I don't think I can. The reason I am so open and honest is because life can be a bag of shit and when you are digging in that bag of shit yourself, I want you to know others have been there, Maybe they have wiped their hands of that shit, but they've been elbow deep before. I do not want anyone to ever feel what they are going through is lonely. I want anyone who needs it to know, there are others out there going through what you are going through and it's shitty. Sure, there may be positive parts, I do love looking for positivity and learning those life lessons, but it's also a struggle, a huge, emotional, mentally draining, shitty ass struggle.
This week I was able to finish most of my to-do list. It was important to me to get back to being super organized. Being organized is something I can control and it helps my anxiety to have routine and structure. It helps to have a clutter free home. A clutter free home equals a clutter free mind after all.....it actually truly does. I completed those projects I've been meaning to get to before life happened for the 9th million time. It felt satisfying to see the projects completed. It was a distraction to keep my mind entertained so it didn't have to enter the rabbit hole of emotional thinking. I did not complete everything but I have given myself permission to be okay with that. I needed to get away everyday and just not be in the house. I didn't plan or expect that because normally, I am okay. But like grief, it catches you off guard.
This week I set intentions. I have been pushing my safety boundaries, my comfort boundaries to work on my social anxiety. I am doing things to get out into my community. I have signed up to help another local organization. I have joined a book club. I will be joining the historical society. Bits of the old me, my previous passions I thought were long gone, they are starting to come back. Not many people to get to start over in life at my age and though it's not in the best of situations, I am thankful I get the opportunity to become who I truly want to be. I will not let anyone or anything stand in my way. I know life likes to throw me curve balls but I'm so use to them at this point, I know I can handle most things that come my way. I look forward to allowing myself the opportunity to grow, within myself and within my community. I look forward to inspiring those who need it. I will work on my social anxiety with my safe people. I will set intentions to try and face it every day.
This week I started reading again. A long time passion of mine that comes and goes in waves. It's been a few months since I have been able to sit down and read but with graduate school starting and a book club, I am forcing myself to get back to my love of reading. The 600 books sitting on my shelf that have not been read yet are begging to be picked up and held warmly for many nights. They want to snuggle up and drink a hot tea with me. I will allow them to take me to imaginary worlds filled with romance, war, lust, struggles, resistance, resilience and whatever other treasures they may hold.
This week is done and so am I. I made it. I survived. It was NOT easy. I struggled hard. It taught me so many lessons, it opened my eyes, it pushed me to new levels, it enjoyed lots of cupcakes and ice cream. I feel as I have nothing left to give. My energy has been completely drained (maybe it was the massage I just got....) but my mind and my body are ready for a rejuvenating rest. Tomorrow brings a new day and a new week. A week in which I am sure I will see new things and get to explore. A week that will fill my bucket. A week where food will be mindfully enjoyed and not over indulged. A week where material objects will not be bought because we will be too busy with life experiences. I will give myself permission to be gentle on me. It has been a long week and I will need time to recover. I look forward to the week ahead but I must also rest.
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All Of My Children
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