Preface: We are all okay, crisis was averted.
Anxiety often brings many worries, fears and heart palpitations. Sometimes anxiety can bring logical fears (car accidents, fires, people dying etc) and other times they can seem unlogical to a non-anxious mind (cats, planes, thunderstorms etc). Sometimes either fears can bring intense anxiety causing an individual to be more "careful" with certain things in life. I say "careful" with quotations because non-anxious people criticize those fears and often make fun of them stating people are crazy or too cautious. The thing with anxiety is, thats how we live. We do tend to be more cautious, for me personally I do tend to be more cautious but I've also been on the backend of tragedy, more than once. I know life is not all lollipops and gumdrops, it can be mountains of shit. One of my biggest fears (besides Bee dying) is my house burning down. This week it almost happened.
The panic attacks can't be shaken. My mind is racing thinking of all the what ifs. Those what ifs are such little assholes in life! This week one of my biggest fears happened. We had an electrical fire in the garage. Our automatic garage door opener caught fire. The fire department was called, the situation was extinguished quickly and I learned that I am not good in emergency situations. In fact, my first thought in an emergency situation is to call the professionals because I freeze. I shut down and tune out.
I shut down and can't seem to wake back up. The fire, when I smelled and then saw the smoke, put me into lock down. I contemplated what to do, I did not panic, I thought through all possible courses of action and consulted my mom. After much consideration, we decided a call to the fire department was needed. The rate in which it was on fire, where the plug was located and the fact it had a back up battery made it unsafe for us to handle.
I felt guilty for calling the fire department, why, because anxiety can be a fucker. I question whether I over reacted but I'm pretty sure most people who walk into their garage and see an electronic on fire, that is plugged in high up where it can't be reached, would also call the fire department because we were literally seconds away from it becoming much worse and spreading to the rest of the garage.
The firemen responded quickly, the first to arrive on scene made sure it was all safe before everyone else arrived and they safely took care of it. I am so incredibly thankful for our fire department. I am thankful they responded quickly and put all our fears to rest and of course the fire too. They reassured us that calling them was the right decision because it could have gotten severe very quickly. It would have taken one second for the motor to explode causing significant injury and spread of the fire. Yet, the guilt and anxiety is still there. Ugh, anxiety sucks. It's the what if's that are hanging on.
Those damn what if's. The thing is, my mom was in the backyard and Bee and I were leaving. Had we not been leaving and have Bee not shown me something near the garage I would not have smelled it. Had I not smelled it, the rest of the garage would have caught fire and by the time it was called in and help arrived, our house may have been gone. I'm panicked. My fear was realized and all I am trying to focus on is that I was in the right place at the right time and I didn't leave, I investigated and someone was watching out for us. The universe lined everything up so that I caught it and acted quickly to avoid catastrophe but the panic and anxiety are high. I don't think it helped that it was also Jacob's 9th birthday the day after and I was just a fucking hot mess. I can breathe again but the panic attacks are still happening as are the nightmares. The nightmares are horrible.
We survived. The motor has been replaced and all the proper safety measures have been taken to prevent this from happening again. A fire alarm has been installed in the garage and maybe one day these damn panic attacks can stop happening. Truth be told, it probably doesn't help that I picked this incident to create a story about for my masters course, may not have been the best decision to relive it time and time again or maybe it actually will help the healing from this, who knows. Have a panic free day my friends. Maybe I will too!
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